How To Build Community In The San Francisco Bay Area
How to build community in Silicon Valley. Building friendships in the San Francisco Bay Area. Cultivating quality stronger relationships with others.
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Building Community, Friendships In The Bay Area
For over 10 years, I have been helping folks to meet new people, date more (better), and learn how to market themselves to others offline and online. What I quickly noticed was two things:
People spend too much time online and not enough time offline, at in-person events, in everyday situations, and engaging in spontaneous interactions.
Before people can learn to date effectively, they must learn how to build friendships. Those who struggle with dating often have biased friends, no/few friends, bad/toxic friends or don’t know how to invest in people effectively.
Apps can be an effective tool to meet people more efficiently, outside your routines and immediate areas, but they should never be used for all or even most of one’s efforts.
A while back, I wrote this guide on meeting new people, making friends in the Bay Area. If you haven’t read it, you should do it now.
It goes into depth about various methods for meeting people. While it’s an excellent resource for meeting new folks in/around San Francisco, a lot of you asked me for more help, guidance on how to implement this and turn introductions and casual friendships into something deeper.
TL;DR - there is no hack; there is no shortcut. Making (good) friends takes time. Apparently asking people to give you their most valuable resource (time) is a big ask, and people don’t just give it away easily.
I am not a therapist, I am not a doctor, and I am not licensed by any entity. My advice is based on my own experiences, feedback loops from clients over the years, and what others have found helpful in reading my newsletters and blogs over the years.
Below are some of my insights, anecdotes, and observations. What worked for me and others may not work for you. Even if you apply the techniques perfectly, it may not work for you as everyone is different, timing is everything, sustainable effort is needed, and the ability to cut off time-wasters is crucial.
Friendships Are Fragile
There is a lot of opportunity and momentum during initial encounters, and that can quickly fade. It takes two people to form a friendship, but it only takes one of them to end it or at least prevent them from forming.
If you can understand this notion, it will save you lots of time, as people often waste their time on people who don’t enrich their lives or chase after others who don’t reciprocate efforts. Relationships involve some give and take, and if people take too much, and take early on, it can be too much for people to accept.
Over time, people can build up credit systems. What I mean by this is that people are more willing to give people the benefit of the doubt when they know them, know what’s going on in their lives, or are given the benefit of the doubt by said person.
This goes for mistakes, speaking out of line, having meltdowns, or being a little unresponsive. This is not always the case (more on that below), but I subscribe to the rule of thumb. Some folks expect this from others too quickly, often, and that is not reasonable.
These behaviors are something I can more easily overlook and forgive with existing, closer friends, but something harder to do with newer people in my life.
How Do Friendships Manifest
The Bay Area is unique in that it’s expensive, it doesn’t have as much nightlife as other metropolitan cities, public transportation is good but could be better, and it’s diverse. What makes it great is that it also makes it difficult to meet people and find those on the same wavelength as you (vibe x lifestyle).
In places that are more homogenous (politics, religion, job, routines etc.) people are more likely to have more in common with each other. This is important as friendships are often a factor of:
Distance
Proximity
Effort
Shared experiences
Ability to read others (cut-off time wasters)
Location is something people often overlook. People underestimate inertia thanks to the weather, fog, traffic, public transportation, lack of nightlife, wind/cold, and cost of living. Unless you live close to people you want to spend time with or are willing to travel to them often, it’s going to be incredibly difficult to spend quality time with people. You may be better off moving or being more strategic about where you spend your time.
If you would like to support my efforts with creating and upkeeping free guides like this for everyone, you can buy me a coffee below.
Cultivating Friendships Gets Harder With Age
What I find helpful is to be present and be responsive to folks I want to keep in touch with, get to know or keep in touch right off the bat. As I have gotten older, I have realized that people’s time is more valuable and it’s harder to carve out opportunities to meet new people and develop those friendships.
Things like moving away, having kids, splitting time with families, in-laws, and having more responsibility in life leave little time for others to hang out.
Unless you are the type to make time for others, meet them (more than) halfway or are flexible with what life throws at people, it’s unlikely that you will have many opportunities to spend with others.
Not All Friendships Are The Same
Some friendships are more social. Some friendships are more interpersonal. Some friendships are more physically active. Similarly, some friendships rely on people being more proactive, and others require a more balanced approach (people inviting each other to events and outings).
I was out at a social event recently, and I asked several folks there (maybe some of you) about how they found out about the said event. In a number of cases, people in small groups relied on one person to find said events, plan outings, and get people together. This is a great situation to have, but they are not sustainable if said planner moves, gets married/has kids or something comes up in their lives.
Even in small friend circles, the relationship you have with one person in the group can look different from others in the group. It helps to have these larger group outings, activities as it is to connect with folks one-off in case the group dynamics change, shift.
As with everything in life, friendships evolve, change, and grow. Some fade, and some get stronger, but very rarely do people have long-lasting friendships that are constant and look the same decade over decade.
Mix It Up, Have Deep Conversations
It helps to have deeper conversations so people can open up, be vulnerable and learn more about you.
If you have nothing to talk about, it can either suggest you are a boring person or are not willing to open up to others (can feel a bit guarded). Too many people in places like Silicon Valley and San Francisco are one-dimensional, i.e., job is their sole identity, hobbies are bland/generic, or conversations can feel like Groundhog Day.
I have found that having varied interests, and being able to draw from different parts of life (culture, experience, news, hobbies, etc) can enrich conversations and help people learn different things about you rather than the typical, superficial things.
Don’t Be Bitter: Personality Matters
People like to surround themselves with others who can either make them laugh, smile, teach them something new, listen or enrich their lives in some other way (introduce them to others, be there in time of need etc).
The more bitter, jaded you are, the less likely people will want to spend time with you.
Sure, everyone has their up and downs, but in general, people want positive people in their lives. I consider myself as a positive person with a curmudgeon disposition, but I am also self-deprecating, can make people laugh, listen well, and am there for people when they need me (or at least I try to).
Always Be Making Friends
People make the mistake and freak out about not having friends after a life change happens, like divorce, moving away, getting laid off, etc. Even if you are good at making friends in your 20s/30s doesn’t mean that streak will continue. Some variables/circumstances may have allowed you to make friends more easily than your current or possibly future ones will.
The thing is, people should always be making friends all the time and not just wait until they are wanted and needed. You may not be able to make time for people but meeting new people, learning to make small talk and getting out there can make it much easier when you have more time or urgency to build out social circles.
Be Happy On Your Own, Build Life Experience
Having friends is great, and going out with others is fun, but you can’t expect others to fill all the gaps in your life. Friendships and community are meant to add/complement your life, not replace voids that cannot be filled through occasional interactions. At the end of the day, it’s up to you to make your own destiny and luck.
Finding purpose can help, whether it’s a career that provides societal good, volunteer work, community service, exercise, or something similar.
Adding life experience will not only make it easier to meet people (by immersing yourself in different circles, events and more) but it will make it easier to draw from in conversations so you don’t resort to the same, mundane conversations about work, one lives/grew up etc.
Cut Off Toxic People, Time-Wasters, Vampires
Some people in your life can be toxic, others can be vultures (taking and not doing anything to add to relationships). These people are not always obvious and they can change over time.
The more people like this drain you of your time, energy, focus, momentum, joy and ability to give people the benefit of the doubt, the harder it will be to make time for yourself and have healthier relationships for other people in your life.
These people can be very charismatic, some are narcissists and others be hot and cold. It’s important to identify these traits so you can recognize them sooner and figure out how you want to approach these relationships going forward. The more you surround yourself with people who drain you of time, energy and focus, the less you will have to offer to others.
Making Lasting Friendships
Life-long friendships are not something you do once or a few times a year. Sure, there are some relationships that don’t need much engagement, phone calls, texts, cards or in-person interactions but most do especially if they are newer friendships.
Every relationship is different and some need more attention, face-time than others and some can easily pick up where you left off months, years or decades apart.
There is an old saying that goes something like this: you really get to know and connect with people through:
Dining together
Traveling together
Living together
Travel doesn’t have to be international, it can be a road trip, day trip. Dining together doesn’t have to mean eating at restaurants, it can be picnics, potlucks etc. Lastly, living together doesn’t have to be permanent or long-term like a partner or roommate but short-term accommodations through work travel, vacations, camping, etc.
People change. What attracted you to someone may not be what is needed to sustain friendships. People often blame others, society than take a long look at themselves and see where they can do better. You can’t force things, but you can learn to plant better seeds in your social life so that you have more options later in life.
Tips On Building Deeper Friendships, Community
Be Visible - Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind.
Being invited to events is easier when you are connected through folks on FB, IG, Linkedin, Text or in running into people randomly at events
Connect People To Friends
The more friends you have in common, the easier it is to stay connected.
Invite People To Events - Don’t Wait To Be Invited
Find fun things to - people often miss out on events, or only find out about them after the fact. Lots of people have used my newsletter to find things to do and invite people out.
Learn To Say More Yes Than No
One of the best pieces of advice I received from my professor at USC was never turn down an invitation to go out, you never know who you might meet (a new friend, roommate, in at a company, funder, romantic interest, exercise partner etc).
Don’t go to events you know you will be miserable at; know yourself and your limits but learn to push them occasionally, within reason.
Be Grateful, Always
Say thank you for invitations from others, say thank you after events are over, say thank you for thinking of them even if you couldn’t extend an invite.
Buy An Extra Ticket, Make An Extra Reservation
I like to go to events and I know which ones tend to be popular, sell out etc and I will make a habit of getting an extra ticket to offer folks one last-minute.
Find Reasons To Connect
I lost touch with my professor from USC, I might have emailed him once 20+ years ago from a different email account I didn’t have access to. I somehow remembered his email but wasn’t sure and so I emailed him out of the blue recently to tell him I was thinking of him and wanted to thank him.
Expand Hobbies/Interests
If the hobbies/interests you have generally attract other introverts, homebodies or people who are not proactive at inviting others, gathering people for events etc, that is going to severely limit opportunities to meet others.
Don’t Rush Things
Friendships can happen instantly, some take time. Don’t rush people. Sometimes it takes time to build trust, assess vibes. Other times, instant connections occur but these are typically through longer engagements, events like bachelor parties, festivals, or more intimate events like dinner parties, picnics.
Don’t Substitute Friends For Mental Health Care
People want to help you, support you but it’s a burden if you rely on them too much, too early
As Marshsawn says, take care of your mentals:
Be Patient, Learn To Give The Benefit Of The Doubt
A lot of people are going through things you may not be aware of. Some may be hesitant to open up or burden you with things. Learn to create welcoming environments and dialogue to allow conversations to blossom if/when things improve.
Express Interest, Enthusiasm
People are more likely to invite you to things if they know you show a passion for it, are likely to attend etc. If you don’t speak up, they won’t know.
Build Roots, Find Locals
Don’t overly focus on making friends through work, many of these people will leave the city (only here to make money). People who are from the area are great because they are less likely to leave.
Diversify Friendships
Similarly, jobs come and go and friendships may fade once you don’t have that common thread holding you together. It helps to have a different set of friends versus putting all your eggs in one basket, as those can quickly disappear (also, these friends can be super boring and clicky).
For those struggling with meeting people, making friends, getting beyond superficial interactions and activities, get in touch. I work with folks on curating groups to explore, events to check out, hobbies to take on, and insight into lifestyle choices, first impressions, habits, biases, social skills, and more.
Whether you are a first-generation immigrant, someone who is mostly a homebody, or someone who is starting over after a breakup, relocation, or other life experience, let’s talk.
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